Assassin's Creed 2 - History made fun

With the arrival of Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, I decided to visit the second game and refresh my memory of the story and immerse myself in the world, plus I love this game and we have been estranged for a while now and I felt the need for a reunion. I really do have strong feelings for this game. It’s so intricate and beautiful to look at, it has elements of good and evil along with actually historical events (I think), plus there is Kristen Bell whom I love. So without further ado, lets get this epic showdown on the road…

Assassin’s Creed 2 is all about Desmond Miles becoming a real assassin by playing through Ezio Auditore da Firenze’s life as he learns the Creed; Desmond takes on Ezio’s skills and knowledge through the bleeding effect which is conveniently explained by Lucy. This leads up to a huge fight just like the first game except this one is far more epic, SPOILERS, cos it’s the freakin’ Pope! Yes, you fight the Pope. The one in Rome. If that doesn’t class as epic, I don’t know what is. But anyway…

If you haven’t played the first one, it doesn’t really matter; you learn while playing the game the

basic controls – there is a place to practice moves just like AC 1 at your villa in Monteriggioni – and the rest kinda follows. The story is different and although the

beginning of the game when you’re at Abstergo won’t make much sense, it doesn’t effect the rest of the game. If you want to know about Desmond and Lucy Stillman (Kristen Bell) then go back. I do recommend it if you’re new but for us that have been there I’ll skip over it.

The major differences to this game are the fact that your character is a lot better at moving around, particularly climbing the buildings because if you’re not fighting, that is what you’ll most likely be doing. In the previous game it took far to long for Altair to climb a simple wall, now he is more like Spiderman. BIG thumbs up on this one. Another noticeable thing is the fact that the places are a lot nicer to look at; there’s more colour and space and variation. Previously there was dingy grey Acre, the poor district looked the same as the rich. Damascus and Jerusalem looking pretty similar. Don’t get me wrong though, the cities were so detailed and wonderful, but they didn’t really have much colour or many distinguishable features. It doesn’t really cross your mind though when your waist deep in action – imagine running over roof tops being chased by guards and suddenly thinking “ooh! That wall would look great in a shade of terracotta!” It just doesn’t happen.

You will probably notice right away that the health system and weapons etc is drastically different. You now have to visit a doctor or use medicine you have bought from him when you are feeling a little faint during a fight, along with having to earn money through the missions or looting to buy better weapons, armour, the aforementioned medicine and repairs, along with refurbishing your villa and the town of Monteriggioni which comes later. I like this change to be honest. It gives the game a more realistic feel rather than Al Mualim giving you upgrades when you act like his little lapdog by killing people for him. Now you are in charge of how awesome you are! Speaking of awesome, you can now dye, yes dye, your clothes. And guess how many colours? 15! There are 15 colours to choose from but most are restricted to a certain city, such as Florentine Crimson only being available in Florence. You will not only be the most skilled assassin, but also the prettiest and most fashionable.

I’m over 600 words in and haven’t even hinted at the graphics. Well that is a disgrace. AC 1 was pretty darn sweet in its presentation but it can’t hold a concealed blade to AC 2. Each city is unique in it’s layout and choice of colours, among other things. The characters look nicer, even if they are not the best looking graphics in the world, they certainly don’t ruin the game. During cut scenes you can see the characters emotion clearly, for instance, towards the beginning before Ezio dons the white outfit, you have to do a few little tasks for your dear family members. When talking to Mama Auditore, she mentions Ezio’s activities the previous night and his face changes from being cool and calm to a surprised “quick I better deny this” look with eye-rolling included. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; the detail is impeccable in this game. Every city down to each tile of the roofs and vines on the trellises have been designed to perfection. What can I say, I’m a sucker for beauty.

Correct me if I’m wrong but in AC 1 the only collectables were the almost impossible to find flags which earned you gamerscore and bragging rights, whereas in AC 2 there are feathers which doesn’t just give you GS, but also a neat cape. There are also glyphs to be de-riddled – symbols on important buildings that appear on your map, require you to crack some sort of code, whether it be finding a symbol in one picture or a recurring symbol in many, or spinning sections on a picture so it fits together etc, confusing I

know but when you see them you’ll understand. If you can figure these out all by yourself you are indeed a genius because they are difficult and don’t be ashamed if you need to use a walkthrough, I did. When you completed the puzzle you will get a clip of footage depicting some unknown scene. This is very important if you want to know background on the game and have your mind blown so STICK WITH IT, IT GETS BETTER! Plus you feel dead smart after getting them all.



One of the great things about AC 2 is the fact that it is such a good re-playable game; you have a great action element to it so if you are not down for the story you can just go and fight things and ride your horse into people (that’s right, a horse), but if you like the intrigue over the history, it is so complex that you are blown away first time you play it that you may need to play all over again to properly understand it and pick up missed details. Now, because there are so many itty bitty parts to the background, they are easy to forget which means when you come to play the game after a long time away from it, it’s almost like you are playing it for the first time, except you know where you’re going, who the bad guys are etc etc.

While I’m talking about good stuff, I should probably mention my second best bud in the whole game (Lucy Stillman obviously being my fav, don’t judge). Now, this guy comes in kinda early to the game and stands by your side until the very end. He aids you in becoming the best killer in the whole of the Mediterranean by inventing weapons and a flying machine (hint). He is truly, a genius. Please welcome, the wonderful, the magnificent … Leonardo! Not DiCaprio, DA VINCI! Yes, the man himself is Ezio’s best buddy and you get to test out his infamous flying machine which allows you to kick guys off buildings at night. Oh yeah!

Well I think I’ve covered pretty much everything about this game and if not I’ll just update it. One final thought, if you haven’t played this game, play it. If you have played this game, play it again.

Saints Row 2 - Better than GTA 4?

I knew nothing about Saints Row 2 before I downloaded it (which probably isn’t the cleverest thing to do – jumping into a sequel without playing the previous game or knowing anything but the title), what can I say, I’m impulsive. However I did first see a “review” of this game from The Escapist Magazine, click here to watch it. I use the word “review” lightly because it is more Yahtzee just ranting about things. If you’d prefer not to watch it yourself (it’s animated and very funny) I’ll sum up why I trusted it of all things; Yahtzee always finds something to complain about in a game and usually takes the piss but with SR2 he didn’t. Well he did pick up on some things but it was generally very positive. I’ve watched a lot of Zero Punctuation’s vids and this review is probably the most complimentary of them all. So, without further ado, watch as I kneel at Saints Row 2′s alter of fun while laughing at Niko Bellic’s realistic and harsh environment…

The first thing that sort of sets the tone of the game is right at the beginning; the first thing you do is choose what your person looks like, acts like and sounds like – completely different to GTA. As for the tone, you can make the most masculine man with a tough guy hair-do, biceps as big as Hulk Hogan’s and so forth, but also give him a ladies voice and a very strange facial expression (anguish looks more like a stoke victim) and boobs. Yes, you can give your man boobs. Equipped with a pink bra to match, free of charge. I felt more attached to my normal looking, sassy red-headed woman straight off  rather than trying to be a character who was nothing like me. And who was a man. I could relate to the boobs though…
SR2 is basically just silliness with some story missions thrown in – you were the top dawg in Saints Row 1 and now your crew has pretty much disappeared except for you and one other guy, Johnny Gat. You two have to start up a new 3rd Street Saints and own the city of Stilwater by wiping out the other crews – The Brotherhood in red, Sons of Samedi ingreen and The Ronin in yellow who look like they just jumped out of Kill Bill. By completing missions you gain more members for 3rd Street and decrease the other crews presence, along with collecting guns, clothes, cars and properties which you can upgrade with the money you earn form basically killing people. Another interesting thing I noticed was that the Saints have a headquarters which is decrepit and invested with hobo’s which, as you progress through the game, gets rebuild by fairies and looks nicer and more respectable, along with gaining a lift which makes travelling from street level down to your homies a lot easier. A nice little touch, I thought.

To start the missions you need respect which requires completing activities in the most part, but can also be earned through buying clothes and vehicles, killing rival gang members and completing hitman or chop shop lists (killing certain people or collecting certain cars from a list). This can get tedious after awhile, especially when you have completed the easiest activities but are stuck on the highest levels of the harder ones.

Speaking of which, there are 12 activities (a lot I know but they are spread out with only 6 levels) – FUZZ (pretending to be the police and killing people), TRAILBLAZING (riding a quad bike around the city blowing cars and people up on a timer), DRUG TRAFFICKING (riding shotgun and protecting the drug dealer as they make their rounds), FIGHT CLUB (punching people to death, self explanatory really), SEPTIC AVENGER (probably my fav, driving a septic truck around and spraying poop onto people and properties), DEMOLITION DERBY (making cars explode by driving into them), ESCORT (driving around a prostitute and a ‘client’ while being chased by the paparazzi), SNATCH (stealin’ ho’s of the street away from pimps and giving them to someone else), MAYHEM (destroying the neighbourhood with your weapons, RPG’s always a good tool), HELI ASSAULT (flying a chopper around Stilwater watching over your peeps), INSURANCE FRAUD (diving in front of cars and being catapulted into the air) and CROWD CONTROL (protecting a ‘celebrity’ by attacking their slightly more eccentric fans, at certain points you can throw them off a tall building, into aeroplane engines and in front of a train). Most are quite easy to complete – Septic Avenger just takes time, Mayhem needs a good area – TIP fences are very good for money – Fuzz requires you kill people in certain ways to get footage which makes the police look bad.

There are a lot of story missions and activities to do in the game so you won’t be short of things to do. Plus there is always a gun shop handy and an endless supply of innocent civilians and police officers who just love for their cars to be introduced to an RPG. If you are not in a destructive and/or homicidal mood, you can try the very PG street racing events which consist of racing against PC’s in cars or on motorbikes and completing checkpointed ones in the latter vehicles or a helicopter. Most races are very easy and if you don’t win first time round, you’ll get it after 2 or 3 tries. The trickiest ones which require skills I do not possess are the meticulously timed and tight spaced helicopter ones. They make you fly in between really close buildings which is highly unsafe considering I’m gonna crash that heli into the ground and passers-by quicker that a fat kid can create a tidal wave by bombing into a swimming pool. I love that, don’t you? The kid always really goes for it when they run up the diving board and then doesn’t get much height but creates the GREATEST splash you’ve ever seen. They get a lotta love and cheers after that pool party…

But I digress. There are a couple of neat little things that push this games like-ability up. Firstly, the fact that you can carry around 4 items of food which you can eat during a gun fight. It’s not just a choice of a burger or hot dog this time round, oh no! You can still have a burger but there’s also chicken nuggets, (ooh!) soda (aah!) and, wait for it … Chinese food! Oh yes, you can whip out “Sum Yung Guy” and start nibbling it to regenerate 75% health! … Hmm, I wonder what Sum Yung Guy sounds like … It’s quite similar to Sum Old Guy which just isn’t as good; it only regens 60% but is 25$ cheaper. You get this and more at Phuc Mi Phuc Yue Oriental-style food outlet. Stop sniggering it’s not that rude! 

Another neat little thing is cruise control. Now, I bet a lot of people won’t see the significance in this handy new feature, but trust me, I WISHED they had thought of it sooner and put it in Saints Row 1 because it saves so much time and patience. I can be chasing a guy who’s going full speed down a road or through a residential area with all its corners and I’m trying to shoot him so I’m faffin’ with the camera attempting to line up the shots but also trying to maintain my speed and not crash my car, I end up failing the mission because I can’t keep my speed and be accurate at the same time. Another instance is when I’m supposed to protect a truck or whatever and it is a lot slower than me so I’m speeding up and then down to keep level with it, while trying to shoot some guys behind. You may not care about cruise control but I sure as hell do!
My last nugget of goodness is something that makes a game seem more notable. Voice actors. I love ‘em. I love going on the IMDb website and checking out a games voice cast and seeing if I recognise them. Now, I don’t know many of the voice actors for Saints Row 2 (I recognise 2 of them) but it is more than GTA 4 (none). It may not seem like much but if I know and like the person who voices a character in a game, it’s going to effect how much I respond to them and overall how engaged I am. I played the whole game through without knowing or recognising any of the voices, then went on IMDb and shocked myself by not realising. It’s a bit shameful because I actually really like the 2 people. They are:
ELIZA DUSHKU  who voices SHAUNDI – in charge of the Sons of Samedi. My favourite character.

And …
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS who voices VETERAN CHILD – acclaimed DJ on Gen-X radio. Ex-boyfriend of SHAUNDI and minion of the Sons of Samedi. Unfortunately, SPOILER, you have to kill him – flashbang him, he’ll separate from Shaundi for a few seconds which is when you shoot at him. Rinse and repeat.

So, what do I think after all this? Well, I will gladly play Saints Row 2 over Grand Theft Auto because, basically, it handles better, there is more to do, and I would prefer to listen to all the characters in this game speak rather than any in GTA (Roman, I love ya and everything but I really don’t want to go bowling, or listen to you talk about titties. Jeez … )
Complain if you want but I whole-heartedly prefer Saints Row 2. Go on, argue if ya like, I ain’t changing my mind. It’s just like that old proverb:

“Haters gonna hate, bakers gonna bake.”

GTA 4 - Rage like never before...

I don’t like this game much. We could never see eye to eye. I struggled to the end of the story much to my nerves disagreement and then we went out separate ways. Until recently. I thought I should give our relationship one last chance and sadly, the game was a bitch and I dumped it’s ass. The problem was to do with the things that made this game so good – the freedom and realism…

Don’t get me wrong though, I loved being able to go to a gun store at any time of day and then high-jack some random guys car and do a drive-by on an old woman because she criticised my driving. However, the gun store was sometimes too far away which means efforts, the car was usually very difficult to drive without mass frustration, and the police sometimes chased me all over Liberty City because the old biddy couldn’t hold her bullets. This led me too crash into every fixed object on the pavement, every car and every wall – not the kind of thing you want when being chased.

However, lets try to be positive  and build up the games confidence which will lead to ego, then bully* it until it goes crying to its mama about the mean kids who point out all its flaws. *I do not condone bullying, especially not against the fatties (why do they never win?)*

So, positives … well, it’s pretty for a start. I think this must be the first game I played that was in a modern open-world setting where you

could do almost anything. I loved being able to dress up my little Russian man Niko Bellic, buy him guns and see him go from a poor, unfortunate, quite boring guy, to a rich gangster type who rolled around in a suit – black jacket, shoes and trousers, white shirt, and a red tie. Remind you of anyone? – and was generally the sickest person in Liberty City.

I liked the story. I’m a slightly mysterious Russian fellow who travels to America to live with my cousin Roman but gets caught up into basically killing people and getting a shit load of money. I have a variety of people I can work for, some more distasteful than others, but I can also date, and stuff. On the whole if you don’t like the story, there isn’t really much you can do.

I like the variety of people. Roman, Michelle, Mallorie, Dimitri, Little Jacob, Packie (not racist in any way, his name is Patrick and Packie is just a shortened version), Brucie (probably my favourite – genetically different baby! Steroids and caffeine, Brucie, it’s just steroids and caffeine), Dwayne, Playboy X, Elizabeta, Manny, Vlad, Derrick, Francis, Faustin, Ray, Gerry and Jimmy. Along with a few others but there’s quite a few there so you get the picture. The voice acting on the whole is very good – Roman is jolly and distressed when the cut scene calls for it, Little Jacob has a thick Jamaican accent that even with subtitles doesn’t make much sense but still brings in the love and Brucie with his random outbursts of noise and how he is the greatest.

I also like the realism of the game – if you kick up a big enough shit storm, the police will come after you bring the FBI in along with a 6 star rating, if you were the same clothes for a long time people on the street will notice and make comments, some criticise your dress sense. In fact, I was on a date with Michelle once and she said she liked my dirty trainers, track pants and puffy brown jacket but next time  we went out I’d got all dressed up in a suit and tie, real fancy shoes and she said it was hideous! “Did you get dressed in the dark before you came out? Where did you get those shoes, the 1850s? Did you bring that jacket with you from Russia?” No Michelle, I went to Perseus and spent $3000! What a ho.

Enough of this kindness! It’s time for bullying*, yay! *I still don’t condone bullying*

One thing I have learned about a huge city is that you will always be driving around, whether it be to missions, taking someone out for a leisure activity, buying guns/clothes. Regardless, your carbon-footprint will be huge. I usually like driving around but sometimes the cars were just to difficult to handle – the hand brake hardly helped when it came to turning because you would slightly slow down but not turn properly and the normal brake sent you spinning out of control so you ended up facing the way you came. At no point did I power slide (and I love to power slide). This was a huge problem when you’d be on a mission with a time limit and you’d want to go quick because of the timer but if you went too quick the car would fail you and so anger ensued. The anger rose to rage when you were on a time limit and you had to keep the car in good condition. Rage rose to head-exploding and controller-breaking when you were on a time limit, had to keep the car healthy, and were chasing someone. If it had got the point when I had to do all the previous as well as having my car rammed by the police I would have died. My heart would have exploded and my cause of death would have been “GTA 4″. Sad times…

Another grumble I have was the lack of other things to do when taking a time out from the story, there’s only so many women I can date at any one time and you have to leave it a few in-game hours before they want to see your face again, there’s only so much ammo I can carry and only so many clothes I am willing to buy. It’s good that there are a lot of people that need my help but it’s always illegal in some way. Why can’t I be a nice boy that doesn’t shoot people or facilitate drug dealers? It would be a boring game, that’s why.

I mentioned the police earlier and that is something I don’t like. I get them chasing me for a few minutes when I accidentally nudge their car a little when reversing but there is no sign of the flashing lights when I run over 20 people, or when I actually want them so I can steal their car. Talk about keeping the people safe…

You can call me sexist (don’t and I’m not sexist FYI) but I like to play as a woman in games when I can. I like the customization and sometimes I will complete the game all over again as the opposite gender to see how the game differs based on your sex. I’m sure you’ve already figured out that this is a grumble but I just don’t like the fact that I’m forced to be a man with a set voice, set face, set hair style and colour and with limited clothing options. I love creating crazy outfits on a man that are meant for a woman and vice versa, but I also love dressing them up to look like the sexiest damn thing that has ever walked the streets of the made up cities in which the game is set.

I briefly talked about dating further up and I love that about this game. Obviously a hot-shot gangster like Nico is going to want and attract certain lady friends and I love being able to take them out when and where I want. However, this is the grumble/bully section so here are the problems: (this goes for the friends too) they always call when I’m busy during a mission, right at the worst possible time. For example, a girl will ring me when I’m pinned down with limited ammo and health, surrounded by 20 or so guys, asking me if I want to go bowling. I politely decline and ring her back when I’m finished, only to be refused. I also don’t like that you can’t really take it any further than a date, apart from going back to her place and looking at a view of the city while she slightly moans about me being great or something. That’s all fine and dandy but it gets tiresome and unenjoyable when I take the same girl out to the same place and she says the same things. It just saps the fun outta dating.

Health. Health is key to any game and the way it is done in this game is pretty poor. You have a little bar at the bottom of the screen which is so easily missed. The only way to get back to full health is by sleeping or buying food from a stand on the street. This would be a good idea except the hot dog/burger guy IS NEVER THERE! And there doesn’t seem to be any when you need them. Sleeping makes sense but how am I supposed to sleep when my apartment is all the way on the other side of the map? It’s ridiculous that you can’t carry food with you (like you can on Saints Row 1 and 2).

I think I’m all outta grumbles for now so I’ll summarise: it is a good game on the whole – good story, vast amounts of freedom and good voice acting, with (be it limited) customization, but there are major drawbacks – poor car controls, nothing really to do other than story, not much development in certain areas, and stupid health arrangements. I would recommend this game but it takes a lot of time and patience so if you’re hot-headed, it ain’t the game for you.

Seriously, I haven’t rage quited this much before in my life.

Update on the Saw films - 6 beats 3! Spoilers!

So on Monday I finished the Saw series until I can get a hold of Saw 3D. I think I’ve seen enough blood, guts and complicated machinery for awhile and feel the need to counter-balance it with light-hearted rom coms. Except I hate rom coms … zom rom coms on the other hand (10 cool points if you can name 2). But never mind the future, we should live in the now and so I’ll get started. John would be proud…

Saw 6 is different from the previous 5 because it increases the level of gore while bringing in new elements that slap the audience silly and stun them senseless while making us see that these are bad people. “We already know they are bad people because they’re there!” I hear you say, but are they? Lets look at 1 or 2 people that I can remember and that fit my point: my favourite girl Amanda, what did she do wrong? Drugs – they’re bad but enough to possibly loose you’re life over? Maybe. She cut herself – she was sad but enough to have your jaw ripped apart? A little extreme. She doesn’t seem like a bad person to me but maybe my small amount of affection clouds my judgement. Lets look at … Lieutenant Riggs from Saw 4. He was tested, although not through physical traps like the others but tested never-the-less, to see if he would basically follow Jigsaw’s game in order to save Eric Matthews and Hoffman. Is he a bad person? Kinda, he killed the woman and the beginning although she did attack him, he also made that fat man lie on the bed and strapped him in so he had to choose between getting his eyes poked out or having his limbs ripped off. These people weren’t tested because they had done bad things to other people, more that they weren’t living their lives the best way they could in Jigsaw’s mind. However, the people in Saw 6 are bad people.

Saw 6 also switches up the narrative a little bit because instead of just having 1 or a few people go through the film only to die at the end which makes them unique to that movie as well as seeing Jigsaw and whatever accomplice he’s got, we see 3 stories being played out. The first is following William Easton, a bad man who basically makes the decision whether someone lives or dies to do with their insurance. He is an asshole right from the beginning and frankly, I didn’t care that his right side got squished but what was sad at Hank/Janitor getting killed  . Anway, we follow Willy as he goes through 4 tests that award him with 1 key each which unlocks the explosives around his wrists and ankles. To get these keys, Will has to make choices whether someone lives or dies. First time it’s between him and the Janitor, which can hold their breath the longest because if you breath in, the clamps around your waist close in. Forget diets, you wanna look thin, stand in between these and you’ll be flat (and/or dead) in a matter of seconds. The second test is Jigsaw’s way of testing Easton’s formula in determining who lives and who gets their bucket kicked into the afterlife; a healthy file clerk who has no family and is generally a bit of a loner (by the formula, he should be the one to live) or the lovely old biddy who is Willy’s secretary, has family but is ill. This scene had me rooting for Will’s heart and it prevailed, much to the disappointment of the guy who got hanged with barbed wire … Sorry mate  Anyway, 3rd task = William has to lead a little lady through a steamy maze (not like a sauna, like putting your face over a boiling kettle. Anna why did you do that? Steam doesn’t smell of anything – it’s water) in under a certain time or the little lady gets a bolt through her brain. But it’s never that simple, at certain parts there is steam blocking the path so dear old Willy must turn a switch and direct the steam … into his face! Or arm at one point I think but never mind, he must take the pain from the lady and put it on himself! This heroic effort is completely pointless in retrospect because the key to the bolt firing mechanism is in Willy’s side and he ain’t letting any woman near him with a mini circular saw so she dies. His final task is choosing which 4 of his 6  co-workers he is going to kill with a shotgun. Now, lets be serious for a moment. I know that is difficult but honestly, I felt sad at the end of this scene. I URGE YOU TO WATCH IT. I won’t go into detail but it is a good scene. At the end when we think everyone is either dead or safe from the tests … good old Willy meets up with his wife – an annoying reporter lady that was going to get hurt one day or another – and, here’s the best part, the wife and son of one of the patients Willy refused help for! Imagine it, spending an hour of your life, battling through tests where you choose whether or not to kill someone for someone else and then when you think you’ve done … your life is in the hands of the loved ones of someone you could have saved. BUMMER. So, right about now I let out a pity sigh and whispered “you’re $!£(^& mate” as the SPOILER son takes the lever, chooses die, and a rack full of little knives comes crashing down into the back of William, which then AS IF IT COULDN’T GET ANY WORSE!!!! fills with corrosive acid which disintegrates his body… So sad … so sad … But awesome to watch 

Anyway, after that unplanned essay, I was going to quickly mention that the other 2 narratives are following Jill, John’s ex-wife and Hoffman. We as the audience don’t really know anything about this shiny brown eyed woman and so there are quite a few questions floating around our minds, such as what was in the box John left her? (SPOILER 6 envelopes, 5 containing info on the people needed for the above traps, the last being about the bastard of the film, my least favourite guy – Hoffman (yay *sarcasm alert*) OOH! And they were supposed to be working together :O ) What secrets is she possessing? Will Hoffman kill her? So much intrigue…

The last narrative is about the aforementioned assholio numero uno – Hoffman. Will he get caught by the police considering they are starting to catch him? Will he kill them? (SPOILER – yeah. There were some inconsistencies to do with tapes and stuff between the traps set by Jigsaw and the ones set by Hoffman, the voice on the tape of Seth, who killed Hoffman’s sister, wasn’t the same as Jigsaw’s and so when the audio gets played with by a tech woman, it turns out to be Hoffman’s voice. To which he slices Erickson’s neck (ew), grabs the poor defenceless tech lady and holds her in front of him so he doesn’t get shot by Perez, who then gets stabbed lots of times. What a lovely man. Lastly, what will happen to Hoffman?…

The greatest part of the film for me was right at the end when we see what the note said that made Amanda cry all those films ago right before she went and shot Doctor Lynn, and the surprise return of Jill. It was a blackmailing Amanda into doing what Hoffman wanted or he would tell John that Amanda was there that night when Jill got smacked by a door and so lost her baby  Hoffman sees the note on the desk, strikes a confused face and suddenly gets tased by Jill (yay!  )

Now listen carefully, cos I love this part. If you’ve seen the other films you will have noticed that no trap is used twice right? Well,

that very famous “Reverse Bear Trap” is back that was modelled by Amanda in Saw 1 and Hoffman gets to be the new model!! Frankly I think Amanda wore it better but I’d prefer to see Hoffman’s face get raped by metal any day. Unfortunately that doesn’t quite happen because Hoffman has brains and breaks his hand to free himself, then when the timer runs out he jams the front of the contraption between two bars to stop it flinging his face across the room. He removes the fetching head piece only to show a cheek that resembles The Joker’s.

I love this film because it switches up the other movies by forcing someone to make morale choices regarding someone else’s life as well as their own, along with frickin’ awesome violence – I forgot to mention that the first scene involves a contest between two people as to how much of their own bodies they will give up in order to live. Gross I know. You’d think the fat man would win because he has, well, fat that he can donate but oh no, the woman chops off her arm. Now that’s dedication! Poor fatty… the fatties never win  The fact that the story wraps up nicely is a bonus, but does throw up gnarly questions like what is going to happen to Hoffman? And Jill? Will Jigsaw’s work live on? Will the fatties ever win?

I hope so, fatty, I hope so…

Saw (the film/s not game) Spoilers!

I know it’s a shocker that this post isn’t going to be about a game but just bare with me.

First off, my favourite is the 3rd film. I might just explain why.

I recently watched the 3rd, 4th and 5th Saw films and I can see why some people might be getting angry at the series; they are starting to suck. I haven’t seen Saw 1 and 2 in a while but remembered them well enough to not feel the need to watch them back (people die in crazy ways, Tobin Bell shows us his ‘monstrous grandpa’ act and we all scream at the bucketfuls of blood that spread all over the floor, while admiring the story – a little). For those of us that are a little fuzzy = Saw 1 = Amanda with the jaw trap, Adam and Lawrence in the bathroom, not that much action in retrospect. Saw 2 = a group of people die, Amanda gets thrown into a pit of needles, crazy black guy with a number on the back of his neck? Meh, never mind. The basic gist is EVERYONE DIES!

So, I jump into Saw 3 ready to be uncharacteristicly squeamish about the violence (but secretly thinking it won’t make me hide half my face behind a dressing gown cos’ I’m tough … and stuff), dude, I was so wrong. A great thing about the Saw films are the fact that there isn’t really any time difference between the films – they flow continuously. Right at the beginning ERIC MATTHEWS – bathroom guy – breaks his foot with a toilet cistern lid and, I kid you not, I oh’d so loudly when I realised what he was going to do. By ‘oh’d’ I mean like “oh my God what are you doing?!?!?! … No! … No you put that toilet lid down! Dude! Seriously! Oh *&£$ he hit his foot!!!! He keeps doing it!!!” But that is the great thing! The film bashes you in the face with some violence which sobers you up and makes you wanting to know what the other traps will be, and boy, do they deliver! Like, express delivery, right to your doorstep… the same day. There is a double whammy of traps that really get the guts going and the ghost limb type feeling where something is so bad it feels like you’re hurting to. Like seeing a guy get kicked in the nether regions.

The first is this guy, TROY, who’s got chains IN his skin -  2 in his shoulders, 2 in lower arms, 2 in back,  in each ankle and the worst one, in his jaw – he has to PULL THEM OUT in order to escape the room from the bomb, but wait, it isn’t that simple; it doesn’t matter what the guy does, he won’t be able to escape because the door is welded shut (which means he could have saved himself a whole lotta pain by sitting nicely in his chair and waited to die. This isn’t Jigsaw’s method, I hear some of you whisper. No, it isn’t. That means it wasn’t Jigsaw who set up the trap… Well, it kinda was. He told Amanda to set it up but didn’t say to weld the door shut because, as we all know, Jigsaw wants people to fight for their life and choose whether to live or die, if they choose life, they go free and “rehabilitated”.

The second and more brutal trap, in my opinion, is tested by DETECTIVE KERRY. She is suspended in the air by a harness attached to her ribs. After the timer is depleted, the trap would spring back away from Kerry, along with her ribs. She is given a beaker of acid with the key to the lock of the mechanism inside but must act quick, as the acid corrodes the key. After 2 noble attempts at plunging her hand into the acid she retrieves the key, undoes the lock … but can’t get free. Not until the other police officer’s find her later on with no ribs. After awhile we meet a Doctor Lynn and Jeff, the first is basically depressed and SPOILER is having an affair behind her husband Jeff’s back and the latter is still grieving over the killing of his 8 year old son who was killed by a drunk driver  .

Over the course of the film we see Doctor Lynn forced to help Jigsaw who is close to death by attempting a procedure involving a mini circular saw and a power drill with an exploding collar on. The fact that if Jigsaw – or John’s – heart monitor stops, the doctor ladies face will be blown to smithereens, meaning if he dies, she dies, is a very clever technique in building tension when the lady is cutting open John’s head, as well as when he has his fits.

Usually in the Saw films we don’t really want people to die but that theory is tested when we see Jeff faced with 3 people who all had a hand in his son’s murder not getting the full treatment it should have, shall we say. The first is a strung up naked lady who was theonly witness to the drunk driver accident. Jeff has to choose whether or not to retrieve the key behind the freezing pipes and free her, or let her freeze to death by the ice cold water that she is sprayed with. Jeff is not the quickest guy on the block because by the time he decides to help her, she’s already frozen solid. Talk about bullet nip on… Anyway. The second guy Jeff meets is the judge that let the drunk driver go after only 6 months of prison. This trap is certainly not for the faint hearted, or any vegetarians. The judge is strapped to the bottom of a pit which is filled with LIQUEFIED PIG  CORPSES – pigs in blender. I was going to insert a picture but I thought it’s probably best not to. At the last second Jeff decides to incinerate his sons toys to get the key to free the judge. The last guy is probably in the most uncomfortable positions I’ve ever seen. This trap twists his

arms, legs and NECK around 360 degrees until they snap. To save him, Jeff must get the key attached to the trigger of a shotgun.

Thing is, the guy in the trap is the drunk driver. At this point I was like “ooooh! Jeff, mate, are you gonna let him die?? He did kill your son so I guess it’s kinda fair???”. With the tension building, Jeff tried to grab the key whilst not being shot in the face but time is running out for the drunk driver. Through shear accident – or luck – the shotgun goes off but doesn’t hit Jeff … it hits and kills thejudge. With key in hand Jeff goes to help the driver, but is too late  nevertheless Jeff moves on, finds his wife with a gun shot wound to her body after Amanda flips out and shoots her. Jeff busts into the room and shoots Amanda in the neck. This is when the audience finally understands how everything is connected. Until the next film when some more shit hits the fan.

Basically, SPOILER Jigsaw wasn’t really testing Jeff and the doctor lady, he was testing Amanda. His test was whether Amanda had the will to keep the doctor alive. Amanda then dies and Jigsaw has one last test: Jeff can either choose to kill Jigsaw or forgive him for the pain he has caused. The revenge-driven Jeff makes the dumbass choice why taking a circular saw to Jigsaw’s throat and in turn blowing his wife’s head to lots of tiny pieces. Of course, Jigsaw knew this and made Jeff a nice little tape recording saying he was the only person who knew where Jeff’s daughter was and the door of the room slams shut, leaving Jeff alone with the bodies.

… … Wow. I didn’t realise I would write so much so Imma summarize my thoughts on the next 2 films: 4 was ok but not as good as 3 – Lieutenant Rigg’s was kinda annoying (shoot her hair ya idiot rather than the machine! Jeez…) plus I don’t like Hoffman (he’s an evil looking asshole) and Peter Strahm is just … too cocky and masculine for my liking. I didn’t care if he died. The 5th film SUCKED ASS! I knew who the accomplice was the whole time and I don’t like him – Hoffman – and Strahm took his sweet time going through all the places where people had died rather than finding out who was in the process of being killed. I was just waiting for Strahm to hurry the £*&% up and nab Hoffman to save time. Although the end where SPOILER Strahm should have got in the box but instead pushed Hoffman in and so died was pretty good. But that was it!

The Saw films are known for their violence and that’s why I prefer the later films rather than the first 2. I know by now that there are going to be a few plot twists and I know loadsa people are gonna die so the intrigue isn’t quite there any more as it was with the first films but  I like them anyway. I tried watching the first film again; got 36 minutes in and stopped. Nobody had really been hurt.

Overall I like a lotta violence with some level of story behind it and a lot of Tobin Bell so the first films don’t really do it for me any more.

One question that has been bugging me though, and maybe some of  you can help me out with this, is

Do you want to play a game?

Fable 3

Fable.

Where have you been?

I loved the first game. Then the second. And if you can see the pattern emerging you get 10 cool points because I love the third one; the graphics are better, the moral choices are better, there are consequences to your actions that can’t be undone, among other things. I am so much more invested in Fable 3 because I can see how bad the world is and I can see how I can change it for the better (or worse if you so inclined but John Cleese’s voice always strikes a blow of guilt in my heart as I massacre a town). I can see this huge, immense task ahead of me like never before; I have to get people to like me so I can kick my brother off the throne and reign supreme! Until crunch time when I find out that SPOILER will happen in SPOILER and I must choose whether to have SPOILER (kinda) and be good or SPOILER (kinda) and be bad.

I like how the game is so huge that if you want to do everything and be the nicest guy ever, you better be willing to put the hours in because man! It is a long one. Especially if you like achievements as much as I do.

It isn’t just the main storyline or how the game is presented that’s the only improvement; the map makes it A LOT easier for you to manage the multiple properties you will own (you won’t get far without a hefty income from shops and homes), the co-op is SO much better this time round! For those of us that remember those horrible times when your partner would run off after their dog in one direction that was always the opposite way to the quest, will breathe a sigh of relief when we see that you can be on the other side of Albion from your partner. Glorious.

One of the improvements from the previous game was the fact that you properly interacted with people other than through the Guild seal (in the first Fable you had the never infuriating *sarcasm alert* Guild master repeatedly saying “Hero, your health is low, watch that” in your ear every 2 minutes, along with some competitions with Whisper, chasing after your sister and a brief encounter with your mum. Oh and facing Jack of Blades that wanted to basically destroy the world). In Fable 2 you got Theresa and 3 other buddies plus your ever faithful dog to go hand in hand while facing the evil and old Lucien in order to save the world. The notion of comradery was increased tenfold in Fable 3 by not only having Theresa hiding in the background but with 5 characters (and Jasper) stood by your side leading an army to fight the SPOILER with 6.5 million people behind you.

However, and it pains me to say, it is not a perfect game. I’ve heard a lot of people grumble about bugs but I can’t say I’ve really had any. My problem is with the 3D map that is supposed to show you an overview of a place and you can plan your way through it. I tried this with Mourningwood. I wanted to get to the little town so see what’s up and so I go to my map, see that the town is on one side and Mourningwood Fort is completely on the other side. I then spent about 10 minutes walking up and down from Mourningwood Fort to where I had fast travelled into until I gave up and headed through the Fort, only to find that after a while, if you take a left you will end up where I wanted to be, and if you take a right you go to Bowerstone. Am I just unable to comprehend the map or does it suck?

Unfortunately that is not my only grumble. One of the greatest things I found was the fact that you could adopt little kiddies and take them home to your spouse (I now have 10 children in 6 different houses) but that is not my problem. My problem is the gifting. In the last game I could give whatever I want to however I want how many times I want. In Fable 3, I have to wait for them to tell me they want something. What am I supposed to do when my child (adopted or biological) looks up at me with eyes full of love and says “Mummy/Daddy” (depending on which  play through I’m on) “will you get me a present? I need one, to cheer me up” and I can’t get them the gift so they never say they love me? Tell me Lionhead, why are some gifts NOT at the gift store? I’m not bitching about it, just observing…

Overall, I love Fable 3 because of … well everything. But I do have one last question.

Fable 3, will you marry me?